Spiritual Lesson Miraculously Gleaned from Whole Foods Brawl

“I SAW A FIGHT IN WHOLE FOODS!!!” Toban shouted from the kitchen.

Toban is a wizard of all things technological, an award-winning Xbox player, and he always hits his 10,000 step goal every day. But he is not the world’s best grocery shopper. So, it was little surprise when he came home today without the bread but with an amazing story from the deli counter.

My husband and I are Canadian, so the fourth Thursday in November means slightly less to us than many of our North Carolina neighbors. Normally we go for the five-dollar cooked chicken from Costco. This year we splurged with the pre-order turkey at our local, pretentious grocery store.

Toban was waiting for his deli order when two women approached the counter. One lady had a ticketed number for her Thanksgiving turkey, and one did not. Ticket Lady received her pre-ordered turkey, and Non-Ticket Lady, apparently unaware of the protocol, was rapidly losing her cool.

She went from annoyed to spirited to fanning the flames of insanity in roughly thirty seconds.

Ticket Lady was too busy to notice what was really happening until it was almost too late. Non-Ticket Lady had quietly and surreptitiously stolen her turkey and was hastily making her way to the exit.

Insert shouting.

Insert Whole Foods employees being alerted.

Insert more shouting.

Eventually, Ticket Lady had her stolen turkey returned.

End of story? Of course not.

Five minutes later, Toban heard the unmistakable sound of a car being rammed into another car. To be more specific, the sound of a car being rammed by another car until they both rammed into something else entirely. An electrical pole.

The entire store was plunged into darkness. The Non-Ticket Lady had taken her last revenge. She waited until Ticket Lady returned to her car with her giant turkey and rammed the lady’s car into an electrical pole.

UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE.

Here’s the thing. You are about to see something similar play out for the next month or so.

I cannot wait for American Thanksgiving to be over so I can ramp up into Christmas Kate. I am obsessed with Advent. Christmas Kate is a nightmare because she is a) excitable b) insufferable and c) prone to exaggerated acts of writing in the third person.

But before we go all Non-Ticket Lady on one another during this holiday season, let’s take a minute to realize that, YES, we are entering what the church deems Pretty Special Time (PST, sometimes confused with Pacific Standard Time.) CHRISTMAS IS COMING, people. Everyone get ready!

Let’s turn on the Jock Jams because November is over and Baby Jesus is about to get here. But anticipation is the name of the game. Pretty Special Time is going to take ALLLL month. So don’t go cheat and steal a turkey.

Get in line. The wait will be worth it.