The Things We Tell Ourselves
When I was suddenly diagnosed with cancer, words to describe my situation came easily. I was “sick,” or “desperately ill,” or, let’s face it, “dying.” Now that modern medicine and lots of prayers have wrought a miracle, I’m no longer so close to death but what am I? Doctors will not allow the word “cured” to pass their lips… but words matter. The words we speak and the words spoken over us. Even the words left unsaid. One of the hardest things I’ve been wrestling with is not having any clear language for this weird place between sick and healthy… weak and strong. The ambiguity is quite isolating.
What words do we use for the things that we are forced to carry, those things that we didn’t ask for? Christian history is full of especially dramatic moments that yielded some fantastic language to live by. It reminds me of the trial of Martin Luther in 1521 who had challenged the papacy and was worried about a fiery death. In the presence of Emperor Charles V, assembled bishops and the German parliament, Luther summed up his position: “I am caught by the passages of holy scripture that I have quoted, overcome in my conscience, and ensnared by the Word of God. Therefore I cannot and will not recant, as acting against one’s conscience is neither safe nor salutary. Here I stand. God help me. I can do no other.”
When the Empire or the pope or bad luck have backed you into a corner, those are words to rally your spirit. Here I stand is a great motto to live by.
Michel de Montaigne, that great mind of the sixteenth century, the man who invented the essay, had a motto too: Que sais-je or What do I really know? It led him to be skeptical of received authority and unwilling to be fooled by the bigotry and the religious wars that were ripping France apart. It made him the humane and penetrating writer whose works have never gone out of print for over four centuries.
The Bowler family also had their own mottoes. They emerged one-by-one when I was a kid. Be nice to Mom is one that should be framed in needlepoint in every house. Don’t get crumbs on the baby teaches us to be careful around the weak and helpless. Love your chuthers was my 3-year-old way of explaining that sisters should love each other. But our number one motto was Don’t let the turkeys get you down—live your best life regardless of the opinions of naysayers. Occasionally my father would say Keep your eyes peeled, or I’ll peel ‘em for ya but that never really caught on.
Do you need a phrase to hang on to? The Bible is a great place to start looking—If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31); A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. (Proverbs 17:17); Stoic philosophy will also produce gems: Of this one thing make sure against your dying day – that your faults die before you do. (Seneca); As well as national proverbs: You can’t sell cucumbers to the cucumber merchant. (Bulgaria); A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. (China)
When you listen to my podcast episode with Kelly Corrigan, the bestselling author of Tell Me More, you’ll learn that she has words that help her along through love and loss. Such as Things happen when you leave the house and It’s like this—mottoes that help her grab the moment and stay anchored.
Most likely, however, you will come up with your own motto born out of your own life. Sit down with people who love you and see if you can come up with a helpful one. Just don’t pick Keep Cool With Coolidge, it’s already been taken.
KELLY CORRIGAN: TELL ME MORE (S3E2)
When bestselling author Kelly Corrigan experienced the death of her dad and dear friend back-to-back, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she wasn’t living as gratefully as she wanted to. She reflects on her love and loss through ordinary moments and everyday sayings. Together, Kate and Kelly explore the phrases we cling to in order to find deeper connection and meaning during difficult times.
Listen Here On Apple Podcasts Listen here on Google Play Listen here on NPR One Listen Here on Stitcher
KELLY CORRIGAN is the Creative Director and Host of The Nantucket Project, a national membership in conversation about what matters most. She is the author of multiple New York Times bestsellers: The Middle Place, Lift, Glitter & Glue, and Tell Me More. Click here to visit Kelly’s website.
SHOW NOTES:
To learn more about Tell Me More: Stories about the 12 Things I’m Learning to Say, click here.
Kelly mentions the Potted Plant Theory of Parenting. Read more on this here.
Follow Kelly on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
Follow Kate on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
The voice memos at the end of the episode are from listeners like you! A huge thank you to Mahra (the song she sings is from “When I Drink” by The Avett Brothers), Riham, and Cheryl who shared their family mottos with us.
Click here for the full audio transcription.
***
